22 posts from 2008

The other night I dreamed that my friend Emily got a book on how to train your cat to kiss you, like pucker up and give you a little peck on the cheek. She trained her cat Oscar to do it, and she demonstrated his new talent to me by having Oscar kiss her fiance on the neck repeatedly. I was all, wtf. He made little smacking noises and everything.

Oscar

I have dreams occasionally that I'm beating down some dumb bitch for getting all up in my face. I don't know what that's about. My friend told me that when we go to Vegas soon she's going to pick a fight with some skanks just so all my dreams can come true. I said wait until after we take those Krav Maga classes in the spring. I like to win!

anyway, so the other night I dreamed I was eating at a restaurant and some dumb ho kept calling me sir and mister. I don't even know who she was, but it was obvious she was trying to rile me up to start something. She looked like the sort of blond fake tan chick you see and really lame clubs. Finally I said, stop calling me mister. And she was all like what? what did you say to me? You wanna say that to my FACE? You know the type. I just rolled my eyes at her and told her to get a life or something. So she came up to my table and leaned over me still going on about 'what did you say to me' and 'say it to me face' and so on. I told her basically that I wasn't into it and she should just move on with her life because this is stupid. So she hit me in the face with her purse! I jumped up and pushed her ass back and said, what the f*ck is wrong with you, you dumb c*nt! Then I woke up, lucky for her.

Last night I dreamed that I saw a solar eclipse in my kitchen. Like I went in there to get a coke or something, and there was a sun up near the ceiling with a moon in front of it. I guess it was about a foot across in length.

So I ran off to tell somebody, but I don't know who. The kitty probably. I said, hey there's an eclipse in the kitchen, but it's just a penumbra like the one that occurred the day after my mom was born.

And that's the end of the dream, but I feel I must explain. What I actually saw in my dream kitchen was an annular eclipse. It's the kind where you can see an outline of light around the black circular shadow, like the picture below. The moon looks smaller than the sun, so it doesn't cover it up completely like a total eclipse where only the corona is visible. (Annular looks kind of like "anal,", doesn't it? There's a reason for that. Observe:)

annular eclipse

And from reference.com, the word my subconscious pulled out its nebulous ass-

Penumbra

The penumbra (Latin: paenes "almost, nearly" + umbra "shadow") the region in which only a portion of the occulting body is obscuring the light source. An observer in the penumbra experiences a partial eclipse.

 
Well I was close, but not completely accurate in my dream when I said I saw a penumbra. I saw the complete shadow, but it just wasn't big enough to cover the whole sun thingy, you see. GAH dream me is so dumb!

But I was right about there being an annular eclipse the day after my mom was born, although that wasn't some kind of weird dream prophecy or anything, I already knew about it. This is a fun NASA site about eclipses, when and where they'll be seen and have been and so on and so forth etc.

FACT(s): My mom was born April 18, 1958, and there was an annular eclipse on April 19, 1958.  I was born February 25, 1979 and there was a total eclipse the next day Feb 26, 1979.

We came, we saw, we blocked the light of the SUN! mwahaha

Last night I dreamed that there were a bunch of people milling about outside of my apartment building so I asked them wtf they were doing, and they said a tornado touched down somewhere nearby and they had no place to go. So I invited them inside and let them wait out the storm at my place, even though it was clear and still outside. I was wearing a white dress I have, this sleeveless comfy thing that comes down below the knees. I forgot that I hadn't shaven my legs in ages so they were a bit foresty, but I thought the safety of these tornado displaced people was more important than putting on jeans first.

Well eventually they all left without saying thank you or goodbye. I looked around my apartment to make sure they didn't steal anything, and I didn't notice anything out of place. The next day one of my friends told me that one of my guests was Alex Tolkien and all he said about the whole ordeal was that he could see how hairy my legs were. I was upset that the scion of the nerds came away with that impression of me.

I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as "Alex Tolkien" though but who knows

Last night I dreamed that Ringo Starr lived either next door to me or in an apartment below me. I couldn't tell where the the enormous racket was originating because it was too loud to pinpoint. He apparently DJ'd a radio station out of the place. I heard drums coming from there as well as a calliope type sound and/or? a church organ, guitars, and so on, at all hours of the day and night. He sang a lot, too. I was torn between anger and elation. It's Ringo, man! But still, I had work in the morning. And why couldn't he afford a better place?
 

You know on google maps you can type in an address and the map centers on it? I dreamed that on iPhone you could type in an address and then double click it with your finger and YOU materialized on that spot in real life. It was awesome. I used it to walk long distances by moving over the map and double clicking and appearing miles from where I was. Awesome. Steve Jobs, get right on that! So anyway I did that all the way to England, and then I dropped my phone in the Thames! I was like, f*ck! This makes it difficult to get back home. I just stood there watching helplessly as my phone floated away, but then a current pushed it right back to the shore and I was able to retrieve it. Some people nearby who saw the whole thing congratulated me on my luck in an American accent, and I said thanks, and they were disappointed that I was American too. Well eff you guys, I thought. I didn't come all the way out here to talk to the likes of you either.

Anyway, this England in my mind was a strange conglomeration of all of it. I was on a bridge over the Thames that looked to be in London, but on the other side were rolling green hills from the country, and a castle to my right behind some trees, and a highway to my left. And I think hot air balloons in the air. And my iPhone was pink.

The end!

I slacked off on this all important thing while moving back in August. Good thing I like to harass my friends with emails of my dreams that I can just copy and paste here! :-D

From an email dated Sep 30, a string of very disturbing nightmares

That's pretty much it. I was reclined on a porch swing enjoying a cigarette when I look up and Angelina Jolie's head is looking down upon me. "What are you doing?!" she said. I said, biatch back off! So I enjoy a smoke every now and then. I quit years ago and this is the only way I can stay off them, by having one every now and again to chase away the random craving!!! And she was like, whatever. Then she said, I'm hosting the 700 Club later today. And I said, wtf??

The other night I dreamed  I awoke and couldn't see a damn thing. It wasn't just dark, it was completely black. Could not see a damn thing. So I sat at my piano keyboard and started playing, and found that I could play perfectly when I wasn't trying and couldn't see. I exclaimed, "I'm Ray Charles, bitch!"